This journal is set up mostly for Friends Only. That means that if you aren't on my friends list, you can not read most of what I write. I am, however, in the process of changing over to partially public....so stay tuned. If you ran across my LJ, please stop and say hello! Any questions? Don't hesitate to comment and ask. I also write a blog, comment if you're interested in the link.
This weekend is going to be the best in a long time. I am going to get to see Laura, Rob, Becca, and hopefully Melanie (need to call...). Friday night Laura, guest, Rob, and Becca are coming to check out the townhouse. After that we are going to Raleigh and Brad is getting his new tattoo. Which means I also get to see Scott (artist/adopted big brother, not ex). Saturday morning I am hopefully going to be attending Bug Fest with the same friends as the night before, but it all depends on how late we stay out Friday night because Saturday night I have company coming to my parents house. I'm super excited about that too, because this will be the first time Stacey gets to meet Brad. First off, Stacey is pretty much a permanant fixture in my life no matter what. I've known him for 6 years now, and we always keep up. I know too much about him and he knows too much about me. He is one of very few people that knew me "Pre-Scott", and that makes me happy. So anyways, good weekend coming up, I wish it wasn't just Wednesday though...I feel blah and I need a good day/good night really soon to get me out of this mood. I will say though that the 2 situations I addressed in my post the other day? Both have been resolved and are on their way back up. :) PTL. I wish surviving life didn't take so much work, it takes up the things in my life that I want to be a priority and puts them on the back burner. There is something to simple living, I just haven't found a balance. Life always feels like such a rat-race, and for what? Brad, friends, family...those are what make me happy and feel complete. How come I can't revolve my world around those instead?
Brad and I often talk about 'best friends' and their place in a persons life. We have both had disappointments and struggles with those types of relationships in the course of our lives and so it's a hot topic. I have decided that I cannot figure out why I continue to try and search for someone to fill that role in my life. The relationship that will temporarily fill that spot always ends in heartache and pain and a loss of trust and it feels like it's not worth the hurt, good times or not. There is a relationship in my life that I have put some time and effort into that has recently kind of blown up in my face and left me at a cross roads in my heart. Forgiveness is imperative to continue moving forward with even just myself...but there is some serious confusion and anger and hurt that is keeping me from being able to do that. I know that eventually forgiveness will come and I will count it as yet another loss in my life...but talk about learning from your mistakes. I'm just not sure how to be less trusting, to be less open about myself, to care less. But do I really want to become any of those things? Because that would mean a hardening of self. It would be so easy to deal with this kind of stuff if my outward wasn't so reflective of my inward. It would be so easy if I could just put up a front or a facade and pretend that everything is okay...but I'm so bad at doing that. I can't fake a smile for the life of me, and I can't say that I've wanted to be able to do that anymore than I want to right now. The most permanant relationship I have found in my life is family, and I'm learning to become okay with that. Although, through learning that family is the one thing that I can count on...it has made me realize to stop comparing those friendship relationships to family, because I think that is how I end up so disappointed. I guess what I'm trying to say is, when I develop new friendships I need to stop looking at where we will be one day and just live our relationship out day to day...because as much as I expect one thing, I rarely get those expectations met...and that is noone's mistake but my own.
If you think this is about you, you're probably wrong. And yes, I am aware that I am guilty of being the same type of person that I'm complaining about...but it always hurts more on the receiving end of it. People change, therefore relationships change. It just sucks when you are the one that doesn't want things to change...hard to convince the other person that your friendship is worth more than progression and growth. Sometimes you just go in different directions, and that is when the hurt begins.
This totally 100% craaaacks me up!!! This was exactly a year ago....
"For the record, my "future children" are now referred to as "Baby Pops". How cute is that anyway?
Brad came to my house this weekend to meet my grandparents and family. It went fabulously well and if you didn't know him or I...you'd think we were already a couple. Gosh jeeze, when is this going to happen?! I'm trying to enjoy this time because when we do end up dating, I'm going to look back and remember the mystery and spark of this time period and smile. :)"
Brad left this morning to go out of town (2 whole states away!) until Sunday afternoon, when upon return he will be playing in a golf outing. Considering he is not having a bachelor party or what have you next week, he is making up for it this weekend...or so it seems, lol.
I will tell you this, in the 4 months (4 whole months! It even feels longer than that.) that we've been together, we have only been away from eachother for at most, 2 days (ATF).
I don't depend on Brad in the sense that I need his presence to make my day functional, but I depend on him in the sense that...he makes my day better than it could ever be with just me. I've said it once and I'll say it again...I am one needy chick. It's going to be a long few days...I will be filling them with packing, unpacking, organizing, cleaning, and warm times with an old and dear friend. This is my last weekend of single life...it's something I am more than willing to part with. I have so much to look forward to. I think he will miss me this weekend too, that's what it seemed like when we were saying goodbye this morning anyway...He missed me while I was at ATF and we've grown a lot closer since then (3 months of seeing eachother every day...).
Along with Brad being out of town comes, my first night in the townhouse :)I do admit this is something I am looking forward to. Don't get me wrong, my first night in the townhouse with my HUSBAND is going to be pretty B.A. as well....but there is something about being here alone that makes me feel like I'm being sneaky, and that is something I don't do much of these days, lol. He asked me if I wanted him to load the shotgun for me....have I mentioned that my redneck fiance (okay, he's not actually redneck at all....maybe just a bit country) keeps a shotgun by his pillow on our bed? Yeah, he does. Being one that has never shot a gun with real bullets (BB guns don't count...), this made me a little nervous at first. I'm getting used to the idea because I've had about 3 people offer to teach us how to shoot correctly and safely.
The countdown is down to 8 days. I am getting married next Saturday. I get to attend a friends' wedding this weekend (same colors, same flower type, same officiant, same sanctuary) and I'm looking forward to seeing how it all works out and looks. We have everything done wedding wise, except that Brad has still not purchased his grooms gifts....tisk tisk tisk.
Time is closing in on us and I feel my heart beating faster, my eyes sparkling brighter and my mouth not being able to lose the smirk that quickly has spread to a an all-out-ear-to-ear-grin, I'm gettin' hitched ya'll! lol