This journal is set up mostly for Friends Only. That means that if you aren't on my friends list, you can not read most of what I write. I am, however, in the process of changing over to partially public....so stay tuned.
If you ran across my LJ, please stop and say hello! Any questions? Don't hesitate to comment and ask. I also write a blog, comment if you're interested in the link.

( I am Understood? )

More often then not I can find a song that identifies with my life at that particular time. I'll change the featured song once it's no longer relevant.
( Over Thinking, RelientK(9/20/07) )
( Oh! Emetophobia, Showbread (10/01/07) )
( Nothing fits (10-12-07) )
( Don't Give Up, Sanctus Real (10/25/07) )
( Age of Reptiles, Showbread (11/02/07) )
( I trust You, Skillet (12/26/07) )
( Possibilities, Sanctus Real (1-01-08) )
( Something Beautiful, Newsboys (03/19/08) )
( Over My Head, Brian Littrell (6/17/08) )
( Put Your Arms Around Me, Natasha Bedingfield (7/2/08) )

I'm choosing not to focus on my disappointments and only on the good things.
It's been awhile, LiveJournal. I still read you, I just found a more exciting place to write.

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this
way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges
and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

This weekend is going to be the best in a long time. I am going to get to see Laura, Rob, Becca, and hopefully Melanie (need to call...).
Friday night Laura, guest, Rob, and Becca are coming to check out the townhouse. After that we are going to Raleigh and Brad is getting his new tattoo. Which means I also get to see Scott (artist/adopted big brother, not ex). Saturday morning I am hopefully going to be attending Bug Fest with the same friends as the night before, but it all depends on how late we stay out Friday night because Saturday night I have company coming to my parents house.
I'm super excited about that too, because this will be the first time Stacey gets to meet Brad. First off, Stacey is pretty much a permanant fixture in my life no matter what. I've known him for 6 years now, and we always keep up. I know too much about him and he knows too much about me. He is one of very few people that knew me "Pre-Scott", and that makes me happy.
So anyways, good weekend coming up, I wish it wasn't just Wednesday though...I feel blah and I need a good day/good night really soon to get me out of this mood.
I will say though that the 2 situations I addressed in my post the other day? Both have been resolved and are on their way back up. :) PTL.
I wish surviving life didn't take so much work, it takes up the things in my life that I want to be a priority and puts them on the back burner. There is something to simple living, I just haven't found a balance. Life always feels like such a rat-race, and for what? Brad, friends, family...those are what make me happy and feel complete. How come I can't revolve my world around those instead?

Brad and I often talk about 'best friends' and their place in a persons life. We have both had disappointments and struggles with those types of relationships in the course of our lives and so it's a hot topic.
I have decided that I cannot figure out why I continue to try and search for someone to fill that role in my life. The relationship that will temporarily fill that spot always ends in heartache and pain and a loss of trust and it feels like it's not worth the hurt, good times or not.
There is a relationship in my life that I have put some time and effort into that has recently kind of blown up in my face and left me at a cross roads in my heart. Forgiveness is imperative to continue moving forward with even just myself...but there is some serious confusion and anger and hurt that is keeping me from being able to do that. I know that eventually forgiveness will come and I will count it as yet another loss in my life...but talk about learning from your mistakes.
I'm just not sure how to be less trusting, to be less open about myself, to care less. But do I really want to become any of those things? Because that would mean a hardening of self.
It would be so easy to deal with this kind of stuff if my outward wasn't so reflective of my inward. It would be so easy if I could just put up a front or a facade and pretend that everything is okay...but I'm so bad at doing that. I can't fake a smile for the life of me, and I can't say that I've wanted to be able to do that anymore than I want to right now.
The most permanant relationship I have found in my life is family, and I'm learning to become okay with that. Although, through learning that family is the one thing that I can count on...it has made me realize to stop comparing those friendship relationships to family, because I think that is how I end up so disappointed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, when I develop new friendships I need to stop looking at where we will be one day and just live our relationship out day to day...because as much as I expect one thing, I rarely get those expectations met...and that is noone's mistake but my own.

If you think this is about you, you're probably wrong. And yes, I am aware that I am guilty of being the same type of person that I'm complaining about...but it always hurts more on the receiving end of it. People change, therefore relationships change. It just sucks when you are the one that doesn't want things to change...hard to convince the other person that your friendship is worth more than progression and growth. Sometimes you just go in different directions, and that is when the hurt begins.

This totally 100% craaaacks me up!!! This was exactly a year ago....

"For the record, my "future children" are now referred to as "Baby Pops".
How cute is that anyway?

Brad came to my house this weekend to meet my grandparents and family. It went fabulously well and if you didn't know him or I...you'd think we were already a couple. Gosh jeeze, when is this going to happen?! I'm trying to enjoy this time because when we do end up dating, I'm going to look back and remember the mystery and spark of this time period and smile. :)"

Super wonderful pictures, 479! lol

http://gallery.jhdphoto.com/g/parnellbrown_wedding

Say "yes" to married life!

More pictures to follow at some point, haven't gotten any professionals back yet. Until then, I will leave you with this...

Brad left this morning to go out of town (2 whole states away!) until Sunday afternoon, when upon return he will be playing in a golf outing. Considering he is not having a bachelor party or what have you next week, he is making up for it this weekend...or so it seems, lol.

I will tell you this, in the 4 months (4 whole months! It even feels longer than that.) that we've been together, we have only been away from eachother for at most, 2 days (ATF).

I don't depend on Brad in the sense that I need his presence to make my day functional, but I depend on him in the sense that...he makes my day better than it could ever be with just me. I've said it once and I'll say it again...I am one needy chick. It's going to be a long few days...I will be filling them with packing, unpacking, organizing, cleaning, and warm times with an old and dear friend. This is my last weekend of single life...it's something I am more than willing to part with. I have so much to look forward to. I think he will miss me this weekend too, that's what it seemed like when we were saying goodbye this morning anyway...He missed me while I was at ATF and we've grown a lot closer since then (3 months of seeing eachother every day...).

Along with Brad being out of town comes, my first night in the townhouse :)I do admit this is something I am looking forward to. Don't get me wrong, my first night in the townhouse with my HUSBAND is going to be pretty B.A. as well....but there is something about being here alone that makes me feel like I'm being sneaky, and that is something I don't do much of these days, lol. He asked me if I wanted him to load the shotgun for me....have I mentioned that my redneck fiance (okay, he's not actually redneck at all....maybe just a bit country) keeps a shotgun by his pillow on our bed? Yeah, he does. Being one that has never shot a gun with real bullets (BB guns don't count...), this made me a little nervous at first. I'm getting used to the idea because I've had about 3 people offer to teach us how to shoot correctly and safely.

The countdown is down to 8 days. I am getting married next Saturday. I get to attend a friends' wedding this weekend (same colors, same flower type, same officiant, same sanctuary) and I'm looking forward to seeing how it all works out and looks. We have everything done wedding wise, except that Brad has still not purchased his grooms gifts....tisk tisk tisk.

Time is closing in on us and I feel my heart beating faster, my eyes sparkling brighter and my mouth not being able to lose the smirk that quickly has spread to a an all-out-ear-to-ear-grin, I'm gettin' hitched ya'll! lol

JASMINE IS FLYING IN FOR OUR WEDDING!!!! This is going to be one of the best days of my entire life....mark this one down in the books.

Not.

Only 12 days till our wedding. How does one scream excitedly with words? Guess I could make a voicepost to give you the full affect? haha

Anyways, working from our townhouse is amazing...he is unfortunately gone during the day...but I guess even if he was here I wouldn't get to spend any time with him since I am working, so it all works out.

I need to do my thank you cards from the bridal shower at church...I am truly grateful for my gifts, I'm just lazy and finding it hard to sit down and do it. That's okay, I will do it very soon.

Time is going to fly by. Can you believe that I'm getting married next week? Not this Saturday, but next Saturday I am getting married. Hahahaha yesss! lol

Alright, I'm done now.

I often run off 6 hours or less of sleep. I'm grateful for 2 things.

1. I am grateful that I am a morning person.
2. I am grateful that I love Brad enough to not allow my usual too-tired-to-be-nice attitude to take over at night when we are spending our time together.

We have company in all the time from out of town during the summer. I never realized it until this summer because I've never had anyone comment on it...I'm just so used to it that it doesn't even phase me. I think Brad enjoys how close all of my family is. Well I take that back, sort of. I think he enjoys it once he gets past the initial idea of it all. When he hears that company is coming in he kind of has one of those "oh geeze, more meet and greet..." attitudes. But then the company gets here and he sees that the atmosphere is laid back and relaxed and we just have a lot of laughs and THAT is when I see him come out of his shell and really start to be himself. I love watching how he is with people, he is so....great. I mean, I don't know how to describe it. He talks and laughs and tells stories and I love to watch him be the life of the party...it makes me so proud and I am more than happy to sit back quietly and let him take the lead.
You know how the Bible talks about a woman submitting to her husand? I know that is often a topic for discussion because, wow....that sure does seem like it gives the man the total upper hand and the woman has no voice what-so-ever. But what people fail to see is that the Bible also says for husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church. We know Christ obviously loved the church because well, anyone remember that whole dying on the cross thing? Yeah. Not to mention....he made a covenant with Israel and even though they screwed up left and right and broke their side of the covenant, God continued to love them and take care of them. So really, if you ask me, the women get the easier task out of the two. I mean, my husband has to love me enough to want to die for me? And all I have to do in turn is submit to his authority? Which if you think about it, if your husband truly loves you, submitting to him isn't going to be difficult because he's not going to require anything of you that would cause you harm or too much discomfort...right?
Okay, basically what I am trying to say in a round about way (get to the point!!) is that I am so willing and happy to be coming underneath Brad's authority because it's a worthwile sacrifice. I'm lucky to be marrying someone who thinks like me when it comes to marriage and the commitment that we are entering into together. There are so many marriages that start out with the wrong mindset or the couple hasn't even discussed what eachother's role will be in the marriage and they end up failing miserably and ending in a divorce.
I realize that I am a pretty hardcore conservative when it comes to marriage. I am comfortable with that. I tend to be pretty liberal when it comes to issues that are not outright black and white. But I feel like marriage is a black and white issue (not in regards to race, you know what I mean...) with little-to-no gray area.
You know how "they" say that when women are pregnant they start nesting and getting prepared and it's au natural? I feel like I'm in my nesting period for marriage. I want to be ready for my husband, I want to be ready to take care of him and be there for him and for him to be confident that I am there for him and trust him.
23 days...I can't wait to be home.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a super awesome book. It's a christian based book and Gary Chapman is a christian, but the principles in the book apply to people period, regardless of religion. I would pretty much recommend it to anyone that likes to read. I know that personally it has helped with some personal struggles and answered a lot of questions. Definately recommended.

I stole this from Valerie (makeapaperduck) whom I have known solely online for approx. 4 years now. It's so true, hopefully you will do it too.

You know how sometimes people on your friend's list post about stuffgoing on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? Since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you *should* already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers putting yours in their place. Then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration! One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out :)

( Elborate! )

I walked up the stairs and through the doorway, taking in the feeling and the anticipation. I sat down on our bed and looked around slowly, wanting to remember this feeling. I'm imagining how many times I'm going to sit down on this very same spot and look at these very same walls and take for granted the easy, comfortable feeling of home.
This is the bed that I am going to lay in with my husband every single night. These are the walls that I will look at every day, that will protect my husband and I from cold and rainy nights. That's the closet where our clothes will hang together. This is the room that will witness many a romantic night, where our children will be conceived, where we will whisper to eachother "I love you so much" while the other is sleeping soundly at 2am. These are the walls that will absorb arguments and heated conversations, words that neither of us meant to say.
These are OUR walls, this is OUR bed, this is OUR home.
And so I cried tears of happiness.

I don't know how much I'll be writing journal entries. My journaling is going to take a turn and I'm going to start making entries of what happened that particular day. Not many details, no thoughts or emotions involved, just an itemized list of the days activities. Brad and I are reading a book in marriage counseling and they suggest doing this so that at the end of the year when you reflect on the last year and are planning for the next year, you have something to go back and look at. They say to make a top ten of hightlights from that year...I'm definately looking forward to that. I will still journal somewhat, or at least try and do some writing...but I don't know how personal I will be making it or even if it IS personal, how often.
40 days till the wedding. Brad finishes class this week and will move into our townhouse this upcoming week sometime. I have family coming in this weekend and a bridal shower with the women at church. Time is flying by, even though I feel like not quick enough. Don't ask me why I'm wishing my time away...probably because I have so much to look forward to. I should be more nervous than I am, I should be like freaking out right about now because I'm about to commit the rest of my liveable life to one single person to take care of me and love me unconditionally and not get tired of me...talk about opening up your heart to someone and becoming vulnerable...
But I'm not nervous. I know Brad loves me and he actually WANTS to take care of me (holy crap, didn't know that was possible...) and even though he is a little bit nervous about this whole marriage thing, he's hanging in there and doing his absolute best to make me happy. Reading that back sounds like he's doing this unwillingly...but he's not. He truly is just as excited as me (okay, maybe not AS excited as me...because HELLO...but he is excited as well) and anticipating being with me in marriage and as a family.
I gave him his ring this weekend with the promise that I wrote out, he liked it and said I did a great job...I can't wait to see what he got on my rings.
Anyways, survey and then I'm peacin' out.

Oh yea, Brad got more done on his tattoo and I got my nose repeirced. He was going to surprise me, but he can't keep a secret...he is getting my infinity symbol tattoo on his other wrist :) Plus we are getting the hebrew symbol for marriage covenant...working on getting the correct symbol right now though so that we don't look like idiots. Brad just keeps getting better and better, he's my perfect match and I love him so much.
( pictures )


( I love taking survey's....send me one? )